Matthew's Beads
by SF Heinig
Summary: Matthew gets some magic beads that drives Beth wild with passion. I'm sure I could have worked the irony of the story much better, but ah well...


NewsRadio "Matthew's Beads"

The elevator doors opened, and Lisa stepped out into the hall lobby with Dave right behind her. Lisa stopped, aggravated she turned to Dave.

"Do you have to walk right behind me?"

"Come on, you can't still be angry about this morning?" Dave said, sidestepping in front of her.

Lisa rolled her eyes in further frustration, crossed her arms and stamped her foot down.  
"Try me, Dave."

"What? It was just a silly comment I made."

"I get one little pimple, and all morning you have to tease me about it? Do you realize how self-conscious I feel right now?"

"Well I was awe struck -- how many mornings do you get a pimple on that adorable heinie of yours?"

"Adorable heinie? God, you can be so immature."

Pushing past Dave, Lisa crossed into the office, just as Mr. James rounded the corner from the lobby restrooms.

"Immature? Hey, I was the one who offered to pop it for you!" Dave yelled after Lisa.

"Pop what, Dave?" Mr. James stood there behind Dave cleaning the lenses of his glass with the handkerchief from his pocket.

"Oh, a zit."

"Yikes. That's pretty sick. Can't say I appreciate that kind of bawdy talk around the office, Dave. I mean, I just hate thinking about the way that white stuff starts to ooze out of the pimple. Makes me want to lose my lunch."

"Gotcha, sir." Mr. James paused looking at the floor, waiting for Dave to some how pick up a silent cue to respond. Dave didn't get it.

"So, you gonna ask me what I'm up to, Dave, or we gonna stand around the elevator another 10 minutes?"

"What are you up to, Mister James?"

"I'm glad you asked, Dave. Today's the big day of the Star Trek Convention." Mr. James responded matter-of-factly.

Dave tried not to laugh, but a smile still creased his mouth.  
"Star Trek Convention, are you a Trekkie, sir?"

"It's Trekker, Dave. And not funny."

"Sorry, sir."

"Of course, after the affair, I'll have my usual dinner with Mr. Bill Shatner."

"Wow, that's quite impressive, sir."

Jimmy frowned. "No, impressive is the day Shatner picks up a check. I'll see you in the office, Dave."

Dave entered the office, bullpen area and headed straight for the coffee machine. He knew he couldn't deal with the day if he didn't have a hot cup of java to start him off. "Hello, everyone." He said casually to the office.

"Hey, Dave." Matthew and Catherine replied.

"Hey, boss." Joe shot back..

"Aye there, Captain!" Bill said with a pirate's banter. Bill then grinned slyly. " Hmm, that's odd, everyone except, Lisa said, good morning to Dave. Well, if I didn't know better I'd swear the two lovers were in spat--

"Stuff it, Bill." Lisa snapped before walking off to another area of the office.

"Temper, temper, little lady." Bill replied smiling.

"She said, 'stuff it, Bill." Matthew said jumping in.

"What's this -- a revolt from the nerd police?" Bill retorted.

"Sure, Bill." Matthew said standing up for himself.

Bill, ruffled, entered the news booth with a slam. He looked at Matthew through the news booth window, and gave a wicked scowl, poitning his finger at him. "You'll get yours, sonny Jim!"

Dave walked over to Matthew putting his arm consolingly on his shoulder. "Thanks for defending the honor of my lady, partner, and I'm sure, that won't never comeback to bite you on the keister."

Beth approached Dave, she was holding two handfuls of memos.  
"Morning, Dave. Message, message, message, message, message, message, message, and..." Beth reached into her bra, "…and message."

"Is there a reason why these aren't on my desk, Beth?"

Beth smiled. "These are the paltry few that wouldn't fit on your desk, Dave."

Dave sighed and crossed into his office.

"Beth, aspirin." Dave requested.

"Do you have a headache?"

"Not yet, but I will by the time I walk into my office and shut the doo…"

Dave swung his door closed.

Joe seated at the conference table, reads a magazine; Matthew stands for a second, then sits.  
"Hey, Joe."

Joe didn't look up.

"Hey."

"So, what are you reading?"

"This horror magazine called, Fangoria."

"Oh, yeah. I've heard of that." Matthew said, not really sure what this magazine was, for all Matthew knew it could have been about cats.

"Yeah? Well, they have a special interview with Rick Baker in this issue. It's pretty cool."

"Cool... Who's, Rick Baker?"

"Who is Rick Baker?" Joe said shocked. "Why he's only the Babe Ruth of special effects make-up and design."

"And who is Babe Ruth, again?"

Joe groaned, he knew Matthew was bored and looking for something to occupy his tiny little mind with. "Matthew, what do you want?"

"Nothing, nothing. Am I, am I bothering you?"

"You're really working up to it, dude. Do you want to look at the magazine?"

"Sure, I'll take a gander at your spook mag."

Joe handed Matthew the magazine.

"Okay, I gotta run down to the mailroom. Try not to bend the pages."

Bill is followed by Catherine out of the bullpen, the two coworkers seem to be in a tiff.

"I told you, Catherine it was a harmless compliment."

"Right, and how ever back handed and perverted you could make it, Bill."

"Look, I'm a very busy man, Catherine. I live a very complex life that few at this station could even begin to comprehend, let alone imagine."

Catherine got up in Bill's face. "In other words?"

"In other words, take what you can get and push the rest aside."

"Bill, you are a complete and utter pig. And of course I mean that as the most sincerest of compliments." Catherine turned and stormed off.

"Wow, what are you and Catherine fighting about?" Matthew asked.

"Sometimes, Matthew, the cold harshness of the news booth can be an all too bitter reality."

"Is that what you said that got her so upset?"

"No, I made a comment about her soft, fleshy, milk-secreting glandular organs."

"Oh...that's her breast, right?"

"Yep. What are you reading?"

"Fangoria."

"Horror mag, right?"

"Yeah. I was looking at these funny ads in the back. They have voodoo dolls you can mail order, a lucky rabbits foot. Hey, did you ever wonder what they did with the rest of the rabbit?"

"You only have one other brother, right?" Bill said not joking.

"Yup, even though I begged and pleaded my parents for more. The stork wouldn't deliver."

"Well, thank heavens for small miracles."

"Hey, look at this..." Matthew read aloud. "Love beads, the ancient powerful tool that will help you gain control of your love life. Tired of girls saying, No, No, No. Well, start making them say, Yes, Yes, Yes... order by mail or by phone..."

"You can't honestly believe in that superstitious nonsense, can you, Matthew?"

"Hey, they give an address, it's down in the East Village. I could run down there during my lunch break. You want to join me, Bill?"

"Thanks, but I think I'll pass."

"Okay, but it's your loss."

"I'll try and remember that…"

Bill walked towards the news booth. Lisa approached ham and handed him a note.

"What's this?"

"Just read it, Bill."

"Dear, Pig... We will now be corresponding through written messages,  
since you have lost all privileges in verbal communications with me for the day. I hope this is clear, you stupid, hog ugly pig! Sincerely, Catherine." Bill looked hard at Lisa. "Oh, she can't be serious!"

"Oh, but she is." Lisa snatched the memo back from Bill and walked off.

"This is so...lame."

In Dave's office, his desk that's piled high with phone messages.

"Beth... could you come in here, please?"

Beth enters. "Yes, Dave?"

"Beth, there are no phone numbers on these messages."

"And, Dave?"

"And, if there are no numbers on the messages than how pray tell can I return the calls?"

"Oh, the messages... Right, right, right. Well, you see, the messages were all from the same place, so like after the second or third message, I guess, I kind of stopped writing the phone number down, is that a problem for you?"

"Yes, that's a problem for me! Do you at least know on which messages you wrote the number?"

"Uh…sorry, Dave." Beth said shrugging her shoulders.

"Can you perhaps remember an area code, or part of the number?"

Beth thinks for a moment. "Nope, nothing coming in, Dave. Maybe there was a seven in there somewhere…"

"Look, just send in, Sanchez." Dave said frustrated.

"The janitor?"

"Yes, and tell him to bring the big broom."

"Yes, Dave." Beth exited just as Mr. James entered Dave's office.

"What's with all the messages, Dave?"

"Oh, nothing." Dave shoved the pile of messages off his desk and into the waste basket, those that didn't end up in, landed on the floor. Sanchez entered, and Dave pointed him to the pile.

"What can I do for you, Mr. James?"

"Dave, I need a limo for tonight."

"A limo?"

"Yeah, I usually have one reserved for Bill and I in advance. But the week kind of got away from me."

"Well, I'm sure Beth will be happy to help you make new arrangements." Dave hit the inter-com. "Beth, could you come back in here, please."

Catherine entered Dave's office, and she didn't look happy. "Oh, sorry, Dave. I didn't know you were busy. I'll come back later."

"No, please. What is it?"

"You know I was here first, Dave." Mr. James said.

"Beth will help you, sir. What is it Catherine?"

"I'm having a problem with Bill."

"Rest assured Catherine, you are not alone." Mr. James commiserated.

"I think she means our Bill, not Captain Kirk, sir."

"Oh."

Just then Beth entered.

"Beth, could you find Mr. James a limo for tonight?"

"Come with me, Mr. James." Beth took Jimmy by the hand and led him out of the office.

"Make sure we get one with a sunroof, When Shatner gets loaded, he likes to stick his head out and whistle at the babes."  
"How romantic it must be for you both."

"Okay, Catherine, what did Bill do?"

"Well, it's not so much of what he did, it's more or less what he said."

"And, what was that exactly?"

"It sort of had to do with my breast."

"Come again?"

Catherine hesitated for a moment, clasped her hands together and continued…  
"Well, my breast…We were getting this morning's broadcast together and I had bent over the desk to hand Bill some files, all of a sudden, my bra strap broke and my breast fell out my blouse; and the first thing out of Bill's mouth was: Hey, nice cans, sweety!" Catherine gave a thumbs up to Dave, accentuating Bill's crude reaction.

"Well, you have to admit that's pretty mild, even for Bill."

"Oh, come on, Dave! The whole morning he was completely transfixed on them. I'm felt sexually, creeped out in their." Catherine crossed her arms over her chest, the incident coming back to her:

Bill mesmerised by Catherine's radiant cleavage under the bullpen lights. Bill's loosend tie and collar, hands shaking, beads of sweat dot his brow.

"I felt like I was completely naked in there all morning, and it was effecting my job which I don't like at all... I mean, I know this bod is all that, but come on, I'm not here to play, Miss Pin-up.

"Okay, I'll have a talk with him."

"Thanks, Dave." Catherine said exititng. She knew and trusted Dave, Bill on the other hand may need to have his eyes removed at some point. Perhaps, Sanchez and his sizable broom would be of intricate use, Catherine further pondered.

Back in the bullpen, Joe was carrying in a large package. Mr. James couldn't help but notice.  
"What you got there, Joe?"

"Oh, a make-up kit, Mister J."

"Make-up kit?"

"Yeah, special effects make-up."

"Kind of like, Frankenstein?"

"Well, that's a little more dated, but yeah."

"Got a brainstorm here, Joe…could you make me a Klingon?"

"A Klingon? You mean like from Star Trek?"

"I've got this pre-Trek Convention dinner with Bill Shatner tonight, and I just think it'd be a hoot if I turned up looking like a Klingon. What do you think?"

"Sounds cool."

"Of course, I'll reimburse you for the make-up."

"It's on me, Mr. J. You're going to be my masterpiece."

"Cool. When do we start?"

"Just give me a second to set everything up in the lunch room." Joe exited towards the lunch room, as Beth approached Mr. James.

"I got your limo, Mister James."

"Got a big wet bar?"

"Stocked with booze to the maximum, sir. Lucky you won't be driving."

"Babes?"

"Excuse me, sir?"

"Babes, Beth... We need babes." Mr. James pilled out a business card from his wallet and handed it to Beth.

"Here call this number, it's Shatner's favorite escort service. Ask for number 16 and number 7, Lolita Loco."

"Lewd and crude, sir. Lewd and crude."

"Sometimes that's the only way to travel, Beth."

Down in the East Village, Matthew entered to the creaks of the wooden floor boards beneath him. A gray thick dust coated everything in the shop, including the crusty old, Chinese man that satt behind the counter, smoking a brier pipe. Dusty old books lined shelf after shelf all the way up to the ceiling, and a taxidermied black cat posed next to the cash register; it's sharp teeth in a perpetual gaped hiss. .

"Are you the store owner?"

"Yeah, I am store owner. Want to make a purchase?" The old man said sharply, as twiled his long fingernail through his Fu Manchu beard.

Matthew voice dropped an octave. "I was interested in purchasing some _love beads_.

The old man looked Matthew up and down and smiled. "Ah, yes... You very ugly... You desperately need love bead magic, because you so freakin' ugly! Forehead very oily - like a nerd! Girls laugh at you behind your back, and you scare small children. They see that ugly face and they run from you like you was giant ogre ready to eat them! Am I right?"

Matthew wiped the tears from his eyes, and sobbed. "Yes! Yes! You're so true! Can you help me?"

"Yes, I will help you, pathetic nerdy man. You got to stop crying though like sissy boy, you getting my counter all wet with your tears. Look, let me get love beads for you in back. You wait right here." The old man picked up his cane and walked bthrough the beads that led into the back.  
Matthew stuck his hand reluctantly, and petted the taxidermied cat. "Hey, kitty. How you doing? Not so good, huh?"

"Don't touch cat!" The old man shouted.

Back again at the office, Joe is in the process of putting on Jimmy's Klingon make-up. Jimmy is seated in a chair, a towel over his clothing.

"Okay, Mr. J. I'm just going to wipe your face with some alcohol before we start."

"What's that for?"

"It's to help prevent against infection." Joe stated, wiping Jimmy's face.

"Does that burn?"

"Nope, doesn't burn, Joe."

"Let's put on the latex." Joe applied the foam latex to Jimmy's face.

"Now that is starting to burn a little, Joe."

"Should I stop, sir?"

"No, it's just a little pain. I'm fine." Mr. James said as tears ran down his face. 

As Beth walked over to her desk, she heard a tremendous scream.

"Are you okay, Mister James? "

"Fine, Beth. Just got a little latex in the old eyes there." Mr. James yelled back.

Dave popped his head out of his office.

"Beth, when you get a chance could you send Bill in here?"

"Is he in trouble?"

"Not yet." Dave smiled.

Beth walked over to the booth and knocked on it. Bill saw her, looking pertudrbed he opened the door.  
"What is it?"

"Dave would like to talk to you in his office."

"Am I in trouble?" Bill said looking worried.

"Apparently, not yet." Beth turned back to Bill. "Oh, Bill, wanted too ask you a quick question."

"Yes?"

Beth looked down at her breast, pulled her blouse down so her cleavage was showing.  
"What do you think of these, huh Bill? You like 'em, huh, good size? Nice tomatoes there, Bill? What do you think?

Bill paused, sliding his glasses back up onto his nose. "I think you've mistaken me for someone interested in a snack, Beth. Come back when you've cooked up a meal." He then pushed past Beth.

"Well, you know what they say Bill, anything more than a moutful is waste."

Bill entered Dave's office and shut the door behind him.

Dave looked up from his desk.  
"Why don't you sit, Bill."

"Thanks, but I think I'll stand."

"Well, I guess you know what this is about?"

"Let me guess... The station's new roster for softball?"

"No, it's about your remark to Catherine."

"Okay, look, I know I was wrong, and in some small way violated the deep trust between Catherine and myself. But let me ask you something before you bring down your judgments on me.

"Bill, no one is judging you."

"Yeah, right."

"What?"

"Have you ever seen, Catherine's breasts?"

"What does that have to do with anything?"

"Well, if you've never seen Catherine's breasts, Dave. Then how do you know my reaction was in anyway, quote, inappropriate?"

"Bill, all I'm looking for is your word that you'll treat Catherine with a little more sensitivity, and let-me-finish, respect. Okay?"

"Sure, Dave, more respect...am I excused now, warden?"

"Yes, Bill, as long as we understand each other?"

"Perfectly..." Bill said as he rolled his eyes.

Back out in the bullpen , Matthew entered, just as Joe walked out of the lunch room.

"Hey, what's that all over your hands, Joe?"

"It's foam latex, I'm turning Mister James into a Klingon."

"Hey, check this out..." Matthew pulled the love beads out of his pocket.

"What are those?

"Love Beads, the ultimate chick magnet."

"The ultimate in supernatural chick magnet." Joe said, giving a spooked look.

"Pretty cool, huh?"

"I don't know, Matthew. Sometimes a charm can backfire on you. Bad juju, you know what I mean?"

"Well, you don't think they really work. Do you? I mean, it was just a goof, a desperate, silly goof by a man who longs for the touch of female companionship."

"Wow… Well, let me tell ya a little story about my Uncle Tucci, who also had problems meeting girls – he also bought some love beads, and the girls were all over him, day and night, when one girl left, another would magically appear."

"Cool…"

"No, not cool. One night he was doing the amore with this super fine chick from the Bronx, and while he was asleep, a jealous lover breaks in and cuts his cannoli off…know what I mean?"

"Jeez, thanks for the warning, Joe. I'll try and be careful with my cannoli."

"The best thing you could do is chuck that thing out right now, Matthew. Who knows what kind of deep dark, sexually repressed desires could get released in this office?"

"Yeah…." Matthew said with twinkle and slight grin.

"Well, I better get back to the boss. Be careful, Matthew, I'm serious."

Matthew looked across the room, spotting Beth. Beth looked up, meeting his gaze. For a moment they both seemed frozen, then Beth's eyes fluttered and she fainted.

"Beth?" Matthew rushed over to her and helped her to her feet.

"Beth, are you okay?"

"Thanks, I don't know what came over me...Matthew. It's like I got struck with the vapors." Matthew slung his arms under her, pulling her back onto her seat.  
Lisa and Catherine seeing this, rushed over.

"Hey, what's going on?" Lisa asked.

"I don't know, all of a sudden she just collapsed." Matthew replied.

Catherine leaned down to Beth. "Are you really all right?"

"Yeah, I just got real light headed." Beth looked at Catherine's cleavage., "Hey, do have nice breast." Catherine suddenly feeling embarrassed, pulled her blouse tight.

"Do you want anything?" Lisa asked.

"I'll get her some water." Catherine offered, walking over to the cooler.

"Yeah, some water would be good."

Lisa sat down next to Beth. "Do you think you should go home?"

"No, I'm fine guys, really."

"Well, if you need anything, Beth, I'll just be over by my desk."

"Thanks, Matthew." Beth repied smiling. Matthew walked back to his desk. Catherine returned with the a cup of water, handing to Beth.

"Thanks." Beth said before taking a sip. She looked hard at Matthew who was at his desk chew on a pencil. "Have you guys noticed how Matthew looks lately? 

"Huh…," was Lisa's instant reply.

"I don't know, just like this attractive... glow to him." Beth responded with a slight grin.

Catherine lent down to her. "Beth are you sure you didn't hit your head on something?"

"Oh, forget I said anything. I guess I did hit something."

Bill walked up to Catherine, he had serious look.

"Catherine, can I talk to you?"

"Okay, but anything you have to say better start off with: Catherine, I apologize.

Bill opened the door for Catherine for the news booth..

Dave popped out of his office.  
"Lisa, can you come in here for second?"

"Just a minute." She looked at Beth. "You gonna be okay?"

"No, I'm fine, really".

Lisa smiled to her reasuringly, and then entered Dave's office. Dave shut the door behid her.

"Any suggestions on how to deal with this Bill and Catherine thing?"

"Castrate, Bill?" Lisa responded glibly.

"I don't know. Don't you think that might somehow violate some employee, employer code of conduct?"

"Oh, I don't know, Dave. In Bill's case, I think the judicial system might turn a blind eye."

"Well, since castrating Bill is off the table for now, would you have a more civilized solution?"

"Catherine and Bill are already in the booth, talking."

"Talking, and not fighting?"

"Talking, as far as what was visible."

"Is it me, or was there some double meaning in what you just said?"

"No, no no no no. Why, are you harboring some guilt over what you said this morning?"

"This is about the pimple, how cute."

"Okay, make jokes. Who cares if you created a total complex in me, your girlfriend, lover."

Dave smiled with a devilish grin.  
"If I wanted to do that, I would have teased you about that cute way your nose curls up when we kiss."

"My nose doesn't curl up when I kiss." Lisa said, covering her nose.

"Yes it does." Dave said, still smiling.

"You're so…incorrigible!"

Lisa stormed out of Dave's office.

Back in the news booth, Bill and Catherine are having it out.

"Okay, Catherine let's talk turkey." Bill said.

"Makes perfect sense since I'm already conversing with a jackass." Catherine snapped with her hands on her her hips.

"You can insult me all you want, but that's not going to make our working conditions any easier."

"You're right, Bill."

"Now, both you and Dave expressed to me that it is difficult—"

"Uncomfortable."

"Uncomfortable -- for you to share the booth with me because of my—"

"Idiotic."

"Poor choice in expressive comments."

"You just don't get it, Bill."

"Well, I'm trying to Catherine, but you're really not helping."

Catherine thought for a moment.  
"Alright, what if our roles had been reversed?"

"You mean, what if my bra strap broke and my breasts had popped out? Okay, I could go there."

"No that not what I mean, Bill. For example, what if your pants would have fallen down in the lunch room and Matthew would have said, _Nice booty, Bill_"?

Bill swallowed hard.  
"You've made your point, Catherine."

Catherine smiled, she had made her point.

"I'm glad, Bill."

Back in the bullpen, Beth was staring longingly at Matthew. Matthew glanced up, catching Beth's sultry gaze.

"Is something wrong, Beth?" Matthew said suddenly self-conscious.

Beth shook her head and then in a voice an octav lower than normal.

"No, Matthew"

Matthew felt his chin.  
"I don't have food on my face again or something?

"Why if you did, would you let me lick it off?" Beth replied, batting her eyes.

"What?" Matthew said with a jolt of shock.

Beth stood up from her seat, not losing eye contact with Matthew she began to dance in a very seductive manner. She approached Matthew, wrapped her arms around him, moved her fingers through his hair, puts her lips up close to his ears and sang in a seductive whisper:

"Beth, I hear you callin'  
But I can't come home right now  
Me and the boys are playin'  
And we just can't find the sound  
Just a few more hours  
And I'll be right home to you  
I think I hear them callin'  
Oh, beth what can I do  
Beth what can I do."

Beth spun around on Matthew like he was a pole.  
"Beth are you okay?"

"I've never felt more alive in my life, Matthew."

Beth moved to Matthew's lap.

"What's come over you, Beth?" Matthew asked smiling as if he was in on an elaborate joke.

"Passion."

"Passion?"

"Hot, wet, steamy…_passion_." Beth moved into kiss Matthew, her tongue stuck out. Matthew jumped to his feet, sending Beth down to the floor.

Beth grabbed onto Matthew's pant leg and held tight.

"Beth?"

"Yes, my sweet?"

"I need to go talk with Dave right now."

"Why must you always leave me?"

"I promise, I'll be right back."

"Promise?" Bath said from the floor.

"Yes."

Beth kissed her finger and held it up to Matthew to kiss. Matthew gave Beth's finger a peck, and without missing a beat he ran into Dave's office, shutting the door.

"Is there a problem, Matthew?" Dave said not looking up from his papers.

"Dave you've gotta help me." Matthew replied imploringly.

"What's going on, Matthew?" Dave said looking up.

"It's Beth -- she's crazy, crazy crazy…"

"Beth, our Beth?"

"It's like she's possessed. It's crazy."

"Possessed, Matthew?"

"Yes. Look!" Matthew swung up the blinds; Beth was pressed up against the office window like a fly, her tongue up against the glass.

Dave went to the door an opened it.  
"Beth could you come in here?"

"Yes, Dave?" Beth said suddenly seeming normal.

"What's going on between you and Matthew?"

"Nothing I'm aware of Dave." Beth stated innocently enough.

"Okay. Thanks, Beth."

Beth exited, a wicked smile on her face.

"But, Dave…" Matthew protested.

"Sorry, Matthew. My hands are tied."

"But—"

"You're going to have to excuse me, Matthew." Dave pointed to the open folder on his desk.

"Sure, Dave."

Matthew reluctantly entered the bullpen. Beth wass at her desk eating a banana with a devilish look in her eyes. Matthew stopped and noded to her trying to avoid direct eye contact. Beth bit into the banana breaking it off into her mouth; in swift move with half of the banana stuck out her mouth, Bath jumped up on Matthew wrapping her legs around his waste. Beth grabbed Matthew by the back of the hair, thrusting his head back and jaw open, she then plunged the exposed part of the banana sticking out of her mouth right into Matthew's mouth. Matthew fell to the floor with Beth riding on top of him all the way.

"Weeeeee!"

Lisa and Joe who had just entered the bullpen from the lunchroom witnessed the incident, along with Catherine and Bill from the news booth. All of them had shocked expressions.

"Oh, my god…" were the first words out of Lisa. Lisa ran over, pulling Beth off Matthew, while Joe helped up Matthew off the floor. Catherine and Bill quickly exited the booth.

"What's going on out here?" Lisa asked Beth and Matthew.

"I must have him-- I must have, must have..." Beth reaqched out towards Matthew, seemingly possessed.

Dave hurried into the bullpen, taking command.

"Lisa, would you and Catherine assist Beth to the lunch room?"

Catherine took Beth under the arm.  
"Come on girlfriend." Lisa and Catherine exited with Beth to the lunchroom.

"Alright, I want to know what the hell is going on right now?"

"Dave, it's my fault." Matthew said.

"Back in my office now."

"If a beating is called for, Dave, you have my full cooperation." Bill stated.

"Can it, Bill." Dave shot back. Dave marched with Matthew back into his office.

Bill and Joe followed behind.

Dave shut the door to his office and turned to Matthew.  
"Look guys this is a matter for me and Matthew—"

"No, Dave, I'd prefer them to be here. Joe because of his knowledge of the supernatural, and Bill, for his moral support."

"Look, I just want to know what prompted our generally mild-mannered receptionist into a banana wielding wonder slut?

Joe looked at Matthew.  
"I told you, dude, that thing was bad news."

"What's Joe talking about?" Dave asked Matthew.

"This…" Matthew pulled the handful of beads from his pocket.

"What kind of perverted things are those?" Bill asked Matthew.

"Love Beads." Matthew stated.

"I don't even want to know where the last pocket those things were in." Bill said making a face.

"Bill would you calm down? What are they, Matthew?" Dave asked.

"Apparently, very powerful magic…" Matthew said in wonder of the love beads.

"They unlock the hidden passion in women."

"You mean, witchcraft?" Dave asked confused.

"Actually, black magic, Dave. The beads can be highly unpredictable." Joe said.

Bill looked at Dave serious.  
"I've seen this type of behavior before, Dave, covering certain shall we say, ritualistic stories. Oh yes, it starts out small, a magic eight ball, Ouji, then love beads, then a dabble in Wicca, and pretty soon, neighborhood pets are missing. There's only one solution in my mind, Dave."

"And what's that, Bill?" Dave asked.

"It's a full moon tonight. We take Matthew up to the roof and burn him at the stake."

"What?" Matthew said with a start.

"Hmm." Dave thought.

"You guys aren't serious are you?" Matthew said frightened.

"Of course we're not serious, Matthew." Dave said.

"Speak for yourself, Dave." Bill said with a raised eyebrow towards Mathew.

Joe put his hands on Matthew's shoullders.

"I told you Matthew, this will all go away if you just take them and throw them out, destroy the bad mojo link to you."

"You're right, Joe." Matthew agreed. Matthew crossed to the office window and cracked it open. "Dave?"

"It's your call, Matthew."

"If it doesn't work, Dave, can we try throwing Matthew out the window?" Bill asked Dave.

"Let's try the beads first, Bill."

Matthew threw the beads out the window.

Beth, Catherine and Lisa entered the bullpen, just as Matthew, Dave, Bill and Joe walk in.

Beth's and Matthew's eyes met.

"Hi, Beth."

"Yeah?" Beth said once again totally normal.

"You're not still feeling a sort of fire, a deep burning desire for me?"

"Matthew, let me get to my desk before I puke." Beth said coldly.

"Okay, freak show is over folks. Everyone back to work." Dave said to the office.

"I thought she might still feel a little something." Matthew said to Lisa.

"I'm sorry, Matthew. I'm sure your _true love_ is still out there somewhere." Lisa said sympathetically, and as Lisa put her arms around Matthew, Matthew softly sang:

"Beth, I hear you callin'  
But I can't come home right now  
Me and the boys are playin'  
And we just can't find the sound  
Just a few more hours  
And I'll be right home to you  
I think I hear them callin'  
Oh, beth what can I do  
Beth what can I do?"

Bill trows a rolled up piece of paper at Matthew's head.

"Would you shut up and stop that singing? I'm trying to work here!"

"Real sensitive, Bill." Lisa said.

"Puh-lease..." Bill said grumpily.

At the end of the day…Jimmy, Dave and Catherine are by the elevator.

Jimmy garbed in full Klingon make-up and clothing.

"Catherine, you ready?"

Catherine dressed in the original red uniform of Lt. Uhura.  
"Sure am, Mr. J. And I must say you look simply frightful." Catherine said with a wide smile.

"Joe, did do a heck of a job, didn't he?" Mr. James said with a chuckle.

"You're going with Mr. James? Dave asked Catherine.

"Sure, it's not everyday you get to have dinner with television legend, William Shatner. Plus, Mr. James offered to pay."

"Well, have fun you two. I want pictures." Dave said.

"Can't beam down to the parking garage, Dave, unless you push the elevator button.

"Oh, sorry."

Catherine and Mr. James entered the elevator. Catherine gave Dave the Vulcan sin before the elevator doors shut.

"Oh, sorry."

Lisa approached Dave from behind.

"Gosh…I guess I fell asleep in the lunchroom again."

Dave turned around fro the shock of his day; Lisa's face was completely altered by make-up: a black-eye, a giant, hairy wart, along with a scar that ran down the length of her face.

"Dave, I'm sorry about this morning -- acting so vain about my dumb little pimple, do you forgive me?

"Sure, Lisa... Uh, could you just wait in the parking garage for me? Actually, you better wait inside the car too. I forgot some papers back in the office."

"Sure." Lisa said somewhat confused.

Lisa got into the elevator. Dave waited a second for the doors to close, then ran back towards the bullpen.

"Joe!" Dave angrily yelled chasing after Joe.

"It was a joke! A practical joke!" Joe yelled back.

Back in the bullpen, Bill walked over to Beth, taking out his money clip.

"Why you're quite the master thespian...a regular Meryl Streep.

I especially enjoyed the banana touch. Devilishly, creative."

Bill handed Beth a bill.

"Hey, twenty bucks is twenty bucks."

Beth tucked the twenty inside her bra.

"All in a days work."

FIN.


End file.
